after weeks of traveling, moving, organizing, shopping, visiting family and friends, I am finally sitting down at a comfortable chair at my desk, in my organized room, and processing all that has happened these past few weeks…..

Moving to a new city and seeing places for the first time with such fresh eyes
changes you in a peculiar way.

In the way that you only really recognize if you give yourself a bit of space to reflect.

Right now I am feeling particularly confronted by the issue of race, and racism, and what this all means, and how I process and deal with this as an individual.

Coming from Santa Cruz, I am.. err was … surrounded by a majorly white, upper and middle class population. This is not to discount the fact that there also a very significant Latin@ population, especially in Watsonville, where the Latin@ population is mostly secluded to the southern part of the county, distanced from services, and the majorly “white” world of middle and upper class Santa Cruz.

That being said, there is something shocking to me about living in DC and around a majorly black population. Talking about these issues makes me feel ashamed, and like I am doing something bad. But I have convinced myself (and Jon Stewart helped) that neglecting to talk about race is also a form of racism. And sometimes, even though I would love to be this totally color blinded person of high morals standards with lots of black, asian, and latino friends, I’m really not.

I’m not sure why this transition, mainly the difference in race between my old home, and my new home, has such an effect on the way I have been thinking about things.

Additionally, of course the tragic loss of Micheal Brown has been on my mind a lot too, and I have cried about it quite a bit. Being not too much of a crier myself I am often surprised at what strikes my water works, but this issues definitely hits a nerve.
I specifically remember the loss of Trayvon Martin, and crying when I was driving home from school in Santa Cruz.

And then I think about myself, and how at times I have gotten nervous and acted bizarre when I am in an uncomfortable situation with a black person, particularly a situation where I wouldn’t have that same reaction if the individual was white.

Recently something happened to that effect. I was working at my new job as a Hostess at a very upscale restaurant in Chinatown. I’ve worked in restaurants consistently since I was 14 but I’ve never been a hostess before, and there was something very nerve racking about it. The restaurant was small, with a limited number of seats, and when reservations were made people were assigned a table. Rarely could we move them from that table because each table was normally accounted for with another reservation. A couple walked in, a very large and probably a full foot taller than me, exceptionally good looking as well. His female companion was my size, also attractive and extremely stylish. I brought them to their assigned table, probably the smallest table we had in the restaurant, and knew as soon as they sat down that they were not satisfied. I remember specifically the woman said “Baby I don’t think you are going to fit here. We need another table” I don’t know if this was because I was new at my job, or if it was because they were a different skin color than I was, but I did something that I knew I shouldn’t have done and offered them the largest table that we had, a booth for 6 people (generally reserved for no less than 6 people).

I can’t quite place my emotions at the time. I know I felt anxiety of some sort. Particularly I think I was afraid that the couple would be angry with me, for putting a man far too big for this little table at this spot in the first place.  I also clearly remember another part of me thinking, these people should sit wherever the hell they want, their ancestors have been historically discriminated against and forced to sit places they didn’t want to sit for centuries. Why not give these people whatever they want now.

Its just one small example, but I think by not talking about these experiences we are contributing to racism in this country- and while these conversations might be difficult to have, they are absolutely necessary.

 

 

Check out this video….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/27/jon-stewart-ferguson_n_5720622.html